Marriage is a matter of perspective: is it a contract entered into by both parties, or is it a covenant between the parties?
Growing up, I saw first hand what a contractual marriage was. My parents were divorced when I was 9-yrs old, and my mother went through several contractual marriages after that. There was little commitment to the spouse, and heartache was followed by more heartache for all family members. Each day began on shaky ground, and by day’s end, I sighed a sigh of relief that our family was not torn apart again. This type of marriage lacks strength, stability, endurance, and joy. I decided early on that I wanted more. But, was it really possible? Was there more to marriage than what I saw each day? I wanted more for the children I would have one day. It was for them that I promised myself I would not settle for just any kind of marriage.
Bruce C. Hafen has stated, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. (A) bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”
If the marriage is a contractual one, it’s like the husband and wife are standing on an imaginary line, seeking stability by keeping the line in balance. However, when one or the other of them gets out of balance and/or step off the line, the line between them is free to swing in any direction, making the relationship unstable. In a covenant marriage, it’s instead, like a triangle, with the husband at one corner of the base, the wife at the other corner of the base, and God at the pinnacle. As the husband and wife keep their focus on things of God in their relationship, they move closer to God, which will naturally bring them closer to one another. A covenant, after all, is a two-way promise between man and God, so in a marriage it becomes a three-way promise between husband, wife, and God.
Having a covenant marriage brings strength to the marriage relationship which will enable the couple to endure the trials of life that come their way, and they will come. Hafen suggests that “every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of ‘wolves’. These ‘wolves’ are: 1- natural adversity; 2- their own imperfections; and 3- excessive individualism. These wolves, alone or in a pack, can drive wedges between husband and wife and devour their marriage if they do not keep their fire of devotion burning, both for each other and for God.
What the husband and wife do and how they handle ‘things’ in their marriage can have eternal significance for themselves, and for generations to come. Their choices and example matter. Children of this union are entitled to be reared by both father and mother, who love each other and keep their marriage vows. David A. Bednar has stated, “As young women and men observe worthiness, loyalty, sacrifice, and the honoring of covenants in our marriages, then those youth will seek to emulate the same principles in their courting and marriages relationships. As young people notice that we have made the comfort and convenience of our eternal companion our highest priority, then they will become less self-centered and more able to give, to serve, and to create an equal and enduring companionship. As young women and men perceive mutual respect, affection, trust, and love between a husband and wife, then they will strive to cultivate the same characteristics in their lives.”
This is the way to make our marriage a covenant marriage that will withstand the challenges and ‘wolves’ of life and prepare the next generation to do the same.
Today, my marriage is a covenant marriage, started in the right place, with promises of joy and eternal happiness for myself and my family, as we learn to focus on Christ and eternal perspectives. Each year gets better. As I see our children choosing the covenant path, it brings happiness to my heart.
Marriage with a Capital M 