Seriously? Am I one of the ones who actually believed this when I was young and naïve? Life is full of ups and downs, and in marriage it can feel like a roller-coaster ride with no safety bar. Is there really a way to live happily ever after? I believe that all depends.
Depends on what?
Personally, I married my best friend. This factor alone has saved our marriage relationship over the years, and has brought me back to remembering why I fell in love with him, and why I wanted to share my life with him, and grow old together.
John M. Gottman, PH.D., stated in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” Remembering back to my teen years when I had a few ‘best friends’ that I spent lots of my time with, I was usually pretty careful not to say or do anything that would make them think I was mad at them, or that I didn’t like them anymore. I can still recall how I would feel if one of those friends said or did something to make me feel that way. Then I think about my spouse, and how does he feel if I say or do something to make him question my feelings for him. Are there things we can do in our marriage to keep the friendship alive and well?
Rules of Engagement
One thing we can do is learn from the successes and failures of other marriages. Gottman discusses attributes like attunement, trust, and commitment that must be part of a couple’s relationship to survive the trials of married life. He also warns against speaking harshly; using negative body language towards one another; and allowing the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) to creep into our discussions. Since all marriages have conflict at times, it is important to remember that friendship must survive these conflicts.
One of my favorite sayings is “Anything worth doing is hard”. Marriage is hard, but it is worth doing, and worth doing well. Marriage requires being selfless and charitable, losing ourselves in service to another, which can bring the same acts and much more back to us. This requires the purest kind of love: Christ-like love. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin stated, “The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love. The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy. In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life.” Would anyone really want to settle for less? I, for one, do not!
Marriage with a Capital M 