Love Maps
I have often heard it said that we should lose ourselves in service to others. I believe this means in marriage as well. However, I do not believe this means that we actually lose ourselves within the marital relationship. In fact, a very important aspect of the marital relationship in keeping our “Love Map” alive and well so we don’t get lost in it; this being the only way to truly know and love our spouse. John M. Gottman, PH.D., stated in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that “emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” “Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?”
Gottman suggests that it is essential that couples enhance their love maps by working at it. I believe that just like any other part of our body that needs exercise, our love map needs to be exercised as well. Before marriage, our relationships do not just happen; we have to work at them. We have to learn to communicate on several levels: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I remember hours spent just talking with my best friend, now my husband, with no physical contact to get in the way while we were building a strong relationship. We were building our love maps to get us through whatever life might bring. For a successful marriage, every couple will need to work on and build this foundation.
Once we marry, we learn to communicate on a much deeper level. However, these lines of communication can weaken over time if we are not paying attention to their status. We begin to find fault in little things our spouse says or does. We forget to be kind. We easily get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily responsibilities and fail to nurture and replenish our marital relationships. We lose our way back to that place where our hearts once melted when we touched.
How to strengthen our Love Maps
H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, stated in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes.” Exercising our love maps will help us realize and understand the most important things in our relationship with our spouse, and build on those strengths we each have, instead of finding faults and weaknesses to criticize and tear down. Goddard suggests, “Rather than looking at marriage as a skill issue, let’s consider it as a heart matter. Most adults communicate quite well with other adults when their hearts are soft and they respect one another.” What a wonderful marriage we would have if we could remember to keep our hearts soft and respect one another in all we do.
With Fondness and Admiration
Gottman suggests that we must keep our marriage romance alive through nurturing our fondness and admiration for each other. This will not only keep our hearts soft, but fondness and admiration are also antidotes for contempt, which tears at our relationships, our hearts, and our love maps. Imagine where your love map journey will take you and the joys you may experience along the way. Be prepared for a rewarding and fulfilling adventure.
Marriage with a Capital M 