Before my husband and I got married, he moved into a duplex where we would live once we tied the knot. It was a cute little place, and I was excited to decorate our new home to be inviting and quaint. However, when we walked into the apartment, newly occupied by my soon-to-be husband, I was speechless. In the far corner of the living-room, propped up against a beautiful brick hearth was his 10-speed bike; in the corner beside that, stood his snow skis, boots, and poles; and hanging from a swag hook overhead hung his bike tire pump (probably so it wouldn’t get lost in the midst of everything else). I’m trying to remember what I actually said in this tender, sweet moment, but for the life of me, I don’t recall. I’m guessing I may have disrupted our “emotional connection” a little bit, probably by saying something like “WHAT IS THIS??”
Fishing in Alaska
This week I read Fishing in Alaska by Martha Arnell. It brought back to me the memory I shared above, and made me grimace a little at my inability to be more like Martha. She shares, “One important aspect of a marriage is to show interest in your spouse’s interests. Through the years I’ve tried to be a cheerleader when my husband brought home game after hunting, fishing etc. My father wasn’t a hunter or fisherman, so this was a change for me. We have a set of mounted deer and moose antlers on our wall in our family room. Also, since my husband has been into running and especially marathon running, I’ve tried to be his greatest supporter and cheerleader. We now have 19 marathon medals hanging on the deer antlers in our family room.” Maybe we all need to be a little more like Martha. “How?” is the question.
As husband and wife, how do we go about letting our spouse know that we value them, that we love and care for them? Gottman states in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that real-life romance “is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.”
Turning Toward or Turning Away
Martha is definitely an example of turning toward. I believe she decided what was most important in her life, and that seems to be her relationship with her spouse. Moment by moment we have the ability to choose to turn toward or turn away from those we love. If you have ever felt the loneliness that comes when a loved one turns away from you, you can begin to see and feel what happens in the mind and heart of another when we do the same thing to them. Gottman stated “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. “Turning toward” operates under a law of positive feedback—like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit. Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.”
The Proof is in the Pudding
The only way to know if this principle works for the good is by putting it to the test. Thank goodness we have the ability to repent and improve each day, and the responsibility to allow the same for our partner. Goddard stated in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage “When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.”
One “bid” at a time; one turn toward at a time; one minute and hour at a time, and we will improve together. I know; I’ve put it to the test.
Marriage with a Capital M 