Let Your Partner Influence You
John M. Gottman, Ph.D., states in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, whom we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.”
From personal experience, I can say that Gottman’s findings are spot on.
I married at the age of 30, had learned good homemaking and housekeeping skills, and felt that I was mature enough to be a good wife and mother. However, three weeks into our marriage, I was asking myself “What have I done?”. According to my new husband, I apparently couldn’t do much of anything right, or act or speak appropriately, especially in public, and was often corrected in front of anyone in hearing range, just to keep me in my place. It didn’t take long before it seemed that every afternoon my dear husband would come home from work trotting at least one of the four horsemen behind him, and sometime two or more, all coming to join us for the evening.
Gottman goes on to say, “there are still husbands who simply refuse to consider any opinions their wives air and never take their feelings or ideas into account when making decisions.”… “a marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and respect each other.” This was true in my marriage. Six years down the road, when our fourth child was about to be born, my husband was boasting to an associate that he was keeping me ‘barefoot and pregnant’, and then laughed at how humorous he was. Needless to say, he was a man not willing to share any kind of power with his partner, me, and eight years into our marriage, his marriage did in fact, self-destruct. After nine years of marriage we were divorced. The end of something that could have been eternally wonderful.
So, what is it that goes terribly wrong in a marriage that starts out as a covenant marriage, and ends up in divorce? In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, gives some insights into underlying causes for serious discord within a marriage. He shared an example of a husband being disrespectful to his wife, and says “This is precisely the wrong strategy for strengthening a relationship. It assumes that my needs are to be met—and my spouse must do whatever is necessary to assure that they are met. This is the opposite of humility and repentance. It is the enemy of love.” “ When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven. We are guilty of pride.”
Pride is the Universal Sin
President Ezra Taft Benson, in a 1989 talk entitled Beware of Pride, says “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.” “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.” “Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.” “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.” “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” “Pride is the universal sin, the great vice.”
It is a Choice!
As Goddard said of pride, “This is the opposite of humility and repentance. It is the enemy of love.” To sum up all of this, I understand humility and repentance to be a significant part of a marital partnership. We need to overcome our pride, put off the natural man tendencies in us, and choose to be more Christ-like in all that we think, say, and do in our marriage. To quote Goddard once more, “Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.”
Marriage is an opportunity for partners to learn to love each other in a Christ-like way, learning to overlook the other’s imperfections and shortcomings, although irritations exist. I really liked what Goddard says about irritation being a blessing. “Irritation can be our friend. It alerts us to the risk of blisters when we sense a pebble in our shoes. In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore. While the natural man is inclined to think that the problem is our partner, the man of Christ knows that the irritation is probably the result of some faulty thinking—some troublesome assumption and expectation nested in our unconscious.” “Any irritation can prompt us to immediate humility and immediate repentance. We do not have to let irritations accumulate and form ruthless gangs that will savage our love.”
In marriage, when we are feeling these irritations, we should ask “Lord, is it I?”, and listen to the Spirit to guide our next decisions. We need to learn to swallow twice, because pride is hard to swallow, and follow the counsel in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turneth away wrath.” After all, our main priority should be building an eternal, loving relationship with our spouse over pampering our own wants and desires. It takes a humble heart to be the first to give a little, and keep giving until both hearts are softened, and love can flourish. Is it worth it? I can tell you it is! It’s heart-racing, toe-tingling worth it!
“Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.”
Marriage with a Capital M 