Managing Conflict: Consecrating Ourselves
I’ve heard it said of marriages that if a husband and wife never disagree, then one of them is lying. I can’t imagine that two individuals who were raised in two totally different environments and lifestyles can come together and be completely in-sync, never having conflicting ideas or tendencies. Is it possible to have peace and harmony in a marital relationship in spite of their differences? I believe it is. But it does not happen on its own. It takes work, dedication, compromise, and a desire to overcome the ‘natural man’ tendencies to brings us to a more accepting frame of mind of the differences we share.
Compromise is an essential part of any marital relationship. Gottman, in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work states, “Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. In an intimate, loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right. This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer.” “Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles.” And, yes, we all have flaws and foibles. If we think we don’t, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
Goddard, in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage talks about ways to turn our hearts and minds to our spouse in order to both experience true joy in our marital relationship. He explains, “We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met. We even decide how they should be met. Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful. Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle—or direct—ways. But the message is clear: “You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you.” “Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners.”
Personally, my husband and I are as different as night and day in some respects, and a little too much alike in some other areas, so that at times we tend to clash a bit. But, we have been married a long time, and we have learned to agree to disagree on several things, while quietly we just enjoy our time together for the most part. Where we once would answer a little sharply, we are learning to trim off the rough edges and use fineness and kindness most times when discussing things. We try to smile more, laugh more, and hug and kiss regularly, and especially work on letting our devotion to one another shine through each day. At the end of the day, we do not want the other to question where our devotion lies.
Goddard might just call this devotion—consecration. “Consecration has dimensions of both depth and length. We offer our whole souls—depth. We also continue to serve and love patiently over time—length. God has always asked us to endure to the end.” This is a dimension of love that is developed over time, overcoming “natural tendencies” that would drive wedges between husband and wife, and binding heart and mind together eternally, becoming one in spirit. Wouldn’t this bring true joy to the marital relationship?
This consecration goes along with losing ourselves in service to another, namely our spouse in this case. Goddard says “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.” I believe the more we give, the more that comes back to us, especially in our marriage. Remember that the key to marital success and consecrating ourselves to one another is COMPROMISE.
Marriage with a Capital M 