Most Important Aspect of Marriage?
Not too long ago, when I was asked what I thought the most important aspect of a successful marriage was, I answered without hesitation, that it was communication. I have felt for some time that if two people are unable to communicate in a productive and appropriate way, their relationship would be lacking and even unstable. After studying and pondering on this question more, I still feel communication is really important, but probably not the one thing that will make a marriage strong and enduring.
For example, there was a time when my husband would come home from work covered with dust and “stuff” from the processing mill he manages, and I couldn’t believe how he could casually strut across the house in his work boots, leaving a trail behind him; not to mention sitting on the furniture before changing his clothes or going to showers off the dust, dirt, and grime of the day. My first instinct would be to communicate to him what he should be doing before coming in the house and sitting on the furniture (and probably not in my Church voice). This would definitely be considered communication. However constructive this communication may be, Gottman, in the Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work, says “there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All criticism is painful. Unlike complaints—specific requests for change—criticism doesn’t make a marriage better”. I must say that I have to agree with Gottman. These times, when I spoke before I thought twice, did nothing but make my husband’s face droop and his countenance sadden. There were times when I really didn’t care, thinking how inconsiderate he was to mess things up that I had just spent so much time working to get clean. But now, I wish I could go back and do things differently. I wish I had known and understood more then, of what Gottman knows and shares in his book. Perhaps I would have had the tools in my communication bag to let my sweet husband know he was more important to me than my floors and furniture.
The Bedeviling 20%
Goddard, in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, also shares valuable information that helps give perspective to the marital relationship and how to truly love our spouse in spite of their failings (like we don’t have any). He says “At some point in your marriage, like me, you have probably enjoyed at least 80% of your spouse’s traits. Even then there is that bedeviling 20% that still annoys us. Most of our marriage-fixing efforts are focused on that bothersome 20% of our partner’s character that we just can’t find a way to enjoy.” Goddard even refers to Gottman, saying, “John Gottman has made interesting discoveries about that 20% that we don’t like. He has discovered that approximately 70% of what we don’t like will never change! We can be mad about that. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change! What a wise design! Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity. Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” And there’s that communication thing again. “There are no right words when our hearts are wrong”. Communication is not most important, because if our hearts are wrong, our communication is nothing but trouble.
Charity is kind…
Goddard teaches the importance of having charity, or Christ-like love, in our hearts in order to truly love our partners for who they really are. He says, ”When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. …We should enjoy and appreciate our partners. We should forgive them of their humanness. The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!”
And there it is! The most important thing in a marital relationship! It is learning to love our spouse with all our heart, not with an earthly kind of fleeting love, but with the Christ-like love which “suffereth long, and is kind; …envieth not; …vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). This Christ-like love does not just come to us naturally, but is a divine gift bestowed upon those who “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that (they) may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:48).
It is this very thing that has changed my perspective, and my heart, towards my husband. At the end of the day I no longer look at his failings, but what I see is that sweet man that I love more than air. I have come to see in him things that he doesn’t see in himself, and as I show him more Christ-like love, he in turn is becoming the man he knows he can, and should be. I know the Savior loves him, too, and even more than I do.
Each day is still a challenge if my heart is not right, and each day I pray for my heart to be changed, to be filled with His love. As I draw closer to Christ, I also draw closer to my sweet companion. And I am eternally glad we are growing old together!
Marriage with a Capital M 