The Marital relationship should be a partnership
We have talked before about being ‘one’ with our spouse in marriage, and how nothing should come between man and wife in their marital relationship. One of the most damaging struggles in a marital relationship is over power. In fact, it has been found that issues having to do with power are at the root of many family problems. In a healthy marriage, husband and wife should be equal in partnership to maintain equilibrium. In an address by Richard B. Miller, PhD, entitled Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families, he states, “Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems, including violence.” This may sound like all of the power struggles in the marriage are between husband and wife. However, Miller discusses other threats to the equal partnership of parents, by saying, “Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent.” Can you see how this would create issues or dissention with the couple? Clearly, parents must be united in their family leadership or huge problems will develop.
Parents are Leaders in the Family
Miller also discusses the importance of parents being actual leaders in the home, not allowing the children to make the decisions. He suggests “Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of the family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.” This is pretty straight forward. In John Rosemond’s Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children [Kansas City, MO.: Andrews & McMeel, 1989], he counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter work in the English language—“No’ . . . Unfortunately many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need”.
The Parent-child Hierarchy Dissolves When Children Become Adults
Do you know parents who think they need to interfere with their adult children’s life, or even their marriage? One of our children, a son, recently married, and soon afterward, the bride’s mother contacted me to ask if I had heard from either of the happy couple. She went on to say she had been texting them, calling their phones, and trying to reach them several times but there was no response from either of them. She stated that she was ready to write both of them off. I was really surprised at her thinking. I tried to help her out by comparing marriage 25-yrs ago when she got married, with today. There were no cell phones with texting, emails, instant access to family members via Facebook, or face-timing. We wrote letters or made long-distance calls home, when we could afford it, or when we wanted to talk to our parents after we were out of the house and on our own. Sometimes our parents didn’t hear from us for a very long time, especially after we first got married. Today, because we have all of these tools to help us “stay connected”, we forget that our married children need time to themselves without interference from dotting parents. We should not hold this against our newly wed children, or any other of our adult children who live elsewhere. Miller concludes, “Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.”
Spiritually speaking, husband and wife are counselled to leave their parents and cleave to each other and to become “one”. This couples should not let parents come between them either. We raise our children to do just what these newlyweds are doing: learning to be parents themselves. A good listen to “The Wedding Song” by Peter, Paul, and Mary would do parents good. I highly recommended this to our son’s new mother-in-law.
In conclusion, Miller gives good counsel for husbands and wives to follow in order to make their marital relationship a partnership, not a dictatorship, or anything else. I will list these points here:
- Husbands and wives are equal
- Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
- A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
- Husbands and wives work together as parents.
All of these points make it plain that husband and wife are to be equal partners in a very important work. As they learn to work together, they indeed may become “one”.
Marriage with a Capital M 