Creating Healthy Ties

There was a time in our country when a newly-wed couple would live with either of their parents until they were able to either, afford to live on their own, in a small house on the same property, or perhaps just next door in the same neighborhood.  Today we live in a very different era where we are much more transient, mobile, and private.  Couples getting married today have many more options for living out on their own, leaving family behind. 

Studying about young couple getting married and learning to deal with in-laws and other family dynamics has been rather enlightening for me.  Marvin J. Ashton stated, “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted.  They are still family, a great source of strength. . . . Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement”.  I believe Ashton is saying newly married children should not forget their parents are still alive. 

Did I mention I had two children get married this year?  Case in point:  One of our newly married children keeps in touch each week with her parents (us), usually a short skype on Sunday evenings along with her new spouse,  a text or two each week or when a question comes up, and they made a long trip to join us, the parents, for Thanksgiving.  The other newly married child joined a skype call on Mother’s Day, and attended his sister’s wedding with his new spouse, but other than that has mysteriously vanished from contact.  This is leaving the parents (us) baffled and bewildered. 

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen in Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families counsels “The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. . . . It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence.  They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law”.  This really is good advice for the newly married couple.  Often sharing private and personal information with parents, in-laws, siblings, or close friends can be seen as betrayal by the spouse.  However, I don’t believe Harper and Olsen mean that the newly married couple should close all family members out of their lives. 

So, what about cutting off all communication with parents and/or in-laws, to keep all of them outside their “fence”?  According to Ashton, this may be a bit drastic, and it may have negative effects in the long run.  My personal feelings on this are mixed, trying to understand their needs, while trying not to feeling forgotten.  I believe our vanished new married couple needs their space to figure out married life on their own, and develop their own holiday traditions together, so I can’t be offended when they turn down invitations to come for a holiday visit.  Invitations need to remain open, with love, kindness, understanding, and patience.  Would I love to have them in our home for even a quick visit?  Absolutely!  But it has to be in their time.   Thinking back to when I first got married, we didn’t have cell phones, skyping, emails, or sometimes not even a quarter for the pay phone to call home.  We wrote letters, and not many, or very often.  Actually, our parents probably didn’t hear from us for months, or maybe longer.  So what am I even worried about now?  No news is good news, right? 

Being Good In-Laws

Is there such a thing as “good in-laws”?  The media would have us think in-laws are the devil.  They are often portrayed as interfering, meddling, judgmental parties that create havoc for the married couple.  Harper and Olsen give some good advice for in-laws in their writings:  “. . . five things that every parent-in-law should avoid.  They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-laws as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication.  Conversely, when parents-in-law do things right, their influence is remembered and felt long after they are gone”. 

I guess I just want to be remembered as a good parent-in-law by all of our children’s spouses.  This will have a tremendous impact on the next generation, which I hold very dear to my heart! 

Side Note: 

Pondering on these, our two children who married this year, and seeing the difference in their “settling” into marriage and how they have handled in-law relationships in the process, one couple very open and interactive, and the other couple very closed and non-interactive, I believe the thing that has made a difference is the fact that the open couple dated for two years before getting married, and the closed couple dated for three months before getting married.  Most of the “settling” for the open couple took place over the prior two years.  Perhaps the more closed couple still needs those two years for the “settling” to take place.  We definitely need to love them all where they are, and let them know we respect their decisions.  That’s what in-laws need to do!

The Marital relationship should be a partnership

We have talked before about being ‘one’ with our spouse in marriage, and how nothing should come between man and wife in their marital relationship.  One of the most damaging struggles in a marital relationship is over power.  In fact, it has been found that issues having to do with power are at the root of many family problems.  In a healthy marriage, husband and wife should be equal in partnership to maintain equilibrium.  In an address by Richard B. Miller, PhD, entitled Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families, he states, “Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife.  Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship.  Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems, including violence.”  This may sound like all of the power struggles in the marriage are between husband and wife.  However, Miller discusses other threats to the equal partnership of parents, by saying, “Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent.  Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent.”  Can you see how this would create issues or dissention with the couple?  Clearly, parents must be united in their family leadership or huge problems will develop.

Parents are Leaders in the Family

Miller also discusses the importance of parents being actual leaders in the home, not allowing the children to make the decisions.  He suggests “Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of the family.  As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.”  This is pretty straight forward.  In John Rosemond’s Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children [Kansas City, MO.: Andrews & McMeel, 1989], he counseled:  “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N.  This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter work in the English language—“No’ . . . Unfortunately many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency.  They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need”. 

The Parent-child Hierarchy Dissolves When Children Become Adults

Do you know parents who think they need to interfere with their adult children’s life, or even their marriage?  One of our children, a son, recently married, and soon afterward, the bride’s mother contacted me to ask if I had heard from either of the happy couple.  She went on to say she had been texting them, calling their phones, and trying to reach them several times but there was no response from either of them.  She stated that she was ready to write both of them off.  I was really surprised at her thinking.  I tried to help her out by comparing marriage 25-yrs ago when she got married, with today.  There were no cell phones with texting, emails, instant access to family members via Facebook, or face-timing.  We wrote letters or made long-distance calls home, when we could afford it, or when we wanted to talk to our parents after we were out of the house and on our own.  Sometimes our parents didn’t hear from us for a very long time, especially after we first got married.  Today, because we have all of these tools to help us “stay connected”, we forget that our married children need time to themselves without interference from dotting parents.  We should not hold this against our newly wed children, or any other of our adult children who live elsewhere.  Miller concludes, “Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do.  It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.”

Spiritually speaking, husband and wife are counselled to leave their parents and cleave to each other and to become “one”.  This couples should not let parents come between them either.  We raise our children to do just what these newlyweds are doing: learning to be parents themselves.  A good listen to “The Wedding Song” by Peter, Paul, and Mary would do parents good.  I highly recommended this to our son’s new mother-in-law. 

In conclusion, Miller gives good counsel for husbands and wives to follow in order to make their marital relationship a partnership, not a dictatorship, or anything else.  I will list these points here:

• Husbands and wives are equal
• Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
• A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
• Husbands and wives work together as parents.

All of these points make it plain that husband and wife are to be equal partners in a very important work.  As they learn to work together, they indeed may become “one”.

Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

“Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned.  The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of.  It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage.  There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”  (Hugh B. Brown, You and Your Marriage, Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 73, 76)

When I was growing up, s-e-x was something people joked about, but never really talked about.  And yes, we even spelled it instead of saying it.  Times have changed!  Today sex is portrayed in media of every kind, discussed in many a forum, and openly verbalized in many circles.  I’m not saying that I believe this is better, because I actually believe what the world has done to the concept of sex has, in many ways, demoralized sexual intimacy from the sacred intimate act it is meant to be. 

Procreation or Recreation?

Brent A. Barlow in The Twain Shall Be One states, “Why does something so beautiful sometimes become a source of so many problems?  Part of the difficulty stems from mistaken ideas.  Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children.  These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy.”  “On the other hand, there are couples who seem to feel that the only reason for sexuality is physical gratification. These people become so obsessed with the achievement of sensation that the emotion of love is all but forgotten.”  With so many varying ideas of sexual intimacy all around us, it may be confusing to know which way to sway on the matter. 

From the beginning, in the Garden, God said to man, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it”; meaning procreate, have children, thus requiring the sexual act.  Barlow continues, “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed.  It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons:  for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness.  His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.”

In order for man and wife to become ‘one’ requires both of them to know each other in the most intimate of ways; spending time together, sharing ideas, nurturing and helping, intimate sexual relations, and making each other the most important thing in their world.  If something is meant to be ‘one’ it is not meant to be divided by anything.  In the case of a man and wife, they should not be divided by children, extended family, friends, work, entertainment, church activities, hobbies, or anything else.  If they lose sight of one another they will be divided.   

Absolute Fidelity

Too often in the media today, families are portrayed as anything but a traditional husband and wife scenario.  Moral values are not readily evident or espoused.  Infidelity is a common occurrence in many plots and as seemingly natural as taking a walk.  It is no wonder there is so much infidelity in our society as well.  Infidelity starts with the thoughts of infidelity.  Kenneth W. Matheson, in Fidelity in Marriage says “Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first.  This in one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.”  The only way to maintain absolute fidelity to your spouse is to be faithful to your marriage covenants, in all you think, say, and do. 

There are other practices striking at the couple also.  Howard W. Hunter, in a talk entitled Being a Righteous Husband and Father, declares, “Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage.  Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed.”   And statistics today show that women are almost as heavily into these eroding practices as men.  These are practices to avoid at all costs if we are to have fidelity in marriage.  Once practices such as these enter hearts and minds, intimacy within the marriage unit becomes compromised, and the man and wife struggle and/or cease to remain ‘one’.

Ezra Taft Benson stated, “A good question to ask ourselves is this:  Would my spouse be pleased if he or she knew I was doing this?  Would a wife be pleased to know that her husband lunches alone with his secretary?  Would a husband be pleased if he saw his wife flirting and being coy with another man?”  This is a question that should be on our minds in order to keep our thoughts, words, and actions in complete fidelity to our spouse.  And their spouse should be doing the same.    

I have learned that when I put my spouse first in my heart and mind, I do not have room in my heart and mind for anyone or anything else that may detract from my relationship with him.  This way my devotion, love, and intimate thoughts are only of him.  He does not have to wonder if I am devoted to him, which makes it more likely that he will reciprocate and be devoted to me.  And for me, that’s a win-win! 

Most Important Aspect of Marriage?

Not too long ago, when I was asked what I thought the most important aspect of a successful marriage was, I answered without hesitation, that it was communication.  I have felt for some time that if two people are unable to communicate in a productive and appropriate way, their relationship would be lacking and even unstable.  After studying and pondering on this question more, I still feel communication is really important, but probably not the one thing that will make a marriage strong and enduring. 

For example, there was a time when my husband would come home from work covered with dust and “stuff” from the processing mill he manages, and I couldn’t believe how he could casually strut across the house in his work boots, leaving a trail behind him; not to mention sitting on the furniture before changing his clothes or going to showers off the dust, dirt, and grime of the day.  My first instinct would be to communicate to him what he should be doing before coming in the house and sitting on the furniture (and probably not in my Church voice).  This would definitely be considered communication.  However constructive this communication may be, Gottman, in the Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work, says “there is no such thing as constructive criticism.  All criticism is painful.  Unlike complaints—specific requests for change—criticism doesn’t make a marriage better”.   I must say that I have to agree with Gottman.  These times, when I spoke before I thought twice, did nothing but make my husband’s face droop and his countenance sadden.  There were times when I really didn’t care, thinking how inconsiderate he was to mess things up that I had just spent so much time working to get clean. But now, I wish I could go back and do things differently.  I wish I had known and understood more then, of what Gottman knows and shares in his book.  Perhaps I would have had the tools in my communication bag to let my sweet husband know he was more important to me than my floors and furniture. 

The Bedeviling 20%

Goddard, in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, also shares valuable information that helps give perspective to the marital relationship and how to truly love our spouse in spite of their failings (like we don’t have any).  He says “At some point in your marriage, like me, you have probably enjoyed at least 80% of your spouse’s traits.  Even then there is that bedeviling 20% that still annoys us.  Most of our marriage-fixing efforts are focused on that bothersome 20% of our partner’s character that we just can’t find a way to enjoy.”  Goddard even refers to Gottman, saying, “John Gottman has made interesting discoveries about that 20% that we don’t like.  He has discovered that approximately 70% of what we don’t like will never change!  We can be mad about that.  We can feel cheated.  But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change!  What a wise design!  Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!  God is serious about cultivating our charity.  Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity.  There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.”  And there’s that communication thing again.  “There are no right words when our hearts are wrong”. Communication is not most important, because if our hearts are wrong, our communication is nothing but trouble. 

Charity is kind…

Goddard teaches the importance of having charity, or Christ-like love, in our hearts in order to truly love our partners for who they really are.  He says, ”When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change!  That is the very thing that liberates them to change.  …We should enjoy and appreciate our partners.  We should forgive them of their humanness.  The single most promising marriage-fixing effort is not tinkering with our partners’ characters; it is in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them!”

And there it is!  The most important thing in a marital relationship!  It is learning to love our spouse with all our heart, not with an earthly kind of fleeting love, but with the Christ-like love which “suffereth long, and is kind; …envieth not; …vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).  This Christ-like love does not just come to us naturally, but is a divine gift bestowed upon those who “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart that (they) may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:48).  

It is this very thing that has changed my perspective, and my heart, towards my husband.  At the end of the day I no longer look at his failings, but what I see is that sweet man that I love more than air.  I have come to see in him things that he doesn’t see in himself, and as I show him more Christ-like love, he in turn is becoming the man he knows he can, and should be.  I know the Savior loves him, too, and even more than I do. 

Each day is still a challenge if my heart is not right, and each day I pray for my heart to be changed, to be filled with His love.  As I draw closer to Christ, I also draw closer to my sweet companion.  And I am eternally glad we are growing old together!

Managing Conflict:  Consecrating Ourselves

I’ve heard it said of marriages that if a husband and wife never disagree, then one of them is lying.   I can’t imagine that two individuals who were raised in two totally different environments and lifestyles can come together and be completely in-sync, never having conflicting ideas or tendencies.  Is it possible to have peace and harmony in a marital relationship in spite of their differences?  I believe it is.  But it does not happen on its own.  It takes work, dedication, compromise, and a desire to overcome the ‘natural man’ tendencies to brings us to a more accepting frame of mind of the differences we share. 

Compromise is an essential part of any marital relationship.  Gottman, in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work states, “Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems.  In an intimate, loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right.  This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer.” “Compromise is not about just one person changing.  It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other.  You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles.”  And, yes, we all have flaws and foibles.  If we think we don’t, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 

Goddard, in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage talks about ways to turn our hearts and minds to our spouse in order to both experience true joy in our marital relationship.  He explains, “We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met.  We even decide how they should be met.  Then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful.  Our distance and resentment are communicated in subtle—or direct—ways.  But the message is clear:  “You are not a very good spouse.  You are a disappointment.  Until you make some major changes, I cannot really love and appreciate you.” “Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and tests of our patience and love for our partners.”

Personally, my husband and I are as different as night and day in some respects, and a little too much alike in some other areas, so that at times we tend to clash a bit.  But, we have been married a long time, and we have learned to agree to disagree on several things, while quietly we just enjoy our time together for the most part.  Where we once would answer a little sharply, we are learning to trim off the rough edges and use fineness and kindness most times when discussing things.  We try to smile more, laugh more, and hug and kiss regularly, and especially work on letting our devotion to one another shine through each day.  At the end of the day, we do not want the other to question where our devotion lies. 

Goddard might just call this devotion—consecration. “Consecration has dimensions of both depth and length.  We offer our whole souls—depth.  We also continue to serve and love patiently over time—length.  God has always asked us to endure to the end.”  This is a dimension of love that is developed over time, overcoming “natural tendencies” that would drive wedges between husband and wife, and binding heart and mind together eternally, becoming one in spirit.  Wouldn’t this bring true joy to the marital relationship? 

This consecration goes along with losing ourselves in service to another, namely our spouse in this case.  Goddard says “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.”  I believe the more we give, the more that comes back to us, especially in our marriage.  Remember that the key to marital success and consecrating ourselves to one another is COMPROMISE.

Let Your Partner Influence You

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., states in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, whom we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence.  Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” 

From personal experience, I can say that Gottman’s findings are spot on. 

I married at the age of 30, had learned good homemaking and housekeeping skills, and felt that I was mature enough to be a good wife and mother.  However, three weeks into our marriage, I was asking myself “What have I done?”.  According to my new husband, I apparently couldn’t do much of anything right, or act or speak appropriately, especially in public, and was often corrected in front of anyone in hearing range, just to keep me in my place.  It didn’t take long before it seemed that every afternoon my dear husband would come home from work trotting at least one of the four horsemen behind him, and sometime two or more, all coming to join us for the evening. 

Gottman goes on to say, “there are still husbands who simply refuse to consider any opinions their wives air and never take their feelings or ideas into account when making decisions.”… “a marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and respect each other.”  This was true in my marriage.  Six years down the road, when our fourth child was about to be born, my husband was boasting to an associate that he was keeping me ‘barefoot and pregnant’, and then laughed at how humorous he was.  Needless to say, he was a man not willing to share any kind of power with his partner, me, and eight years into our marriage, his marriage did in fact, self-destruct.  After nine years of marriage we were divorced.  The end of something that could have been eternally wonderful.

So, what is it that goes terribly wrong in a marriage that starts out as a covenant marriage, and ends up in divorce?  In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, gives some insights into underlying causes for serious discord within a marriage.  He shared an example of a husband being disrespectful to his wife, and says “This is precisely the wrong strategy for strengthening a relationship.  It assumes that my needs are to be met—and my spouse must do whatever is necessary to assure that they are met.  This is the opposite of humility and repentance.  It is the enemy of love.”  “ When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven.  We are guilty of pride.”

Pride is  the Universal Sin

President Ezra Taft Benson, in a 1989 talk entitled Beware of Pride, says “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.”  “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” “Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.”  “Another face of pride is contention.  Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.”  “The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily.  Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.”  “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word.  It limits or stops progression.  The proud are not easily taught.  They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.”  “Pride is the universal sin, the great vice.”

It is a Choice!

As Goddard said of pride, “This is the opposite of humility and repentance.  It is the enemy of love.”   To sum up all of this, I understand humility and repentance to be a significant part of a marital partnership.  We need to overcome our pride, put off the natural man tendencies in us, and choose to be more Christ-like in all that we think, say, and do in our marriage.  To quote Goddard once more, “Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.”        

Marriage is an opportunity for partners to learn to love each other in a Christ-like way, learning to overlook the other’s imperfections and shortcomings, although irritations exist.  I really liked what Goddard says about irritation being a blessing.  “Irritation can be our friend.  It alerts us to the risk of blisters when we sense a pebble in our shoes.  In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore.  While the natural man is inclined to think that the problem is our partner, the man of Christ knows that the irritation is probably the result of some faulty thinking—some troublesome assumption and expectation nested in our unconscious.”  “Any irritation can prompt us to immediate humility and immediate repentance.  We do not have to let irritations accumulate and form ruthless gangs that will savage our love.”

In marriage, when we are feeling these irritations, we should ask “Lord, is it I?”, and listen to the Spirit to guide our next decisions.  We need to learn to swallow twice, because pride is hard to swallow, and follow the counsel in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turneth away wrath.”  After all, our main priority should be building an eternal, loving relationship with our spouse over pampering our own wants and desires.  It takes a humble heart to be the first to give a little, and keep giving until both hearts are softened, and love can flourish.  Is it worth it?  I can tell you it is!  It’s heart-racing, toe-tingling worth it!

“Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.”

Before my husband and I got married, he moved into a duplex where we would live once we tied the knot.  It was a cute little place, and I was excited to decorate our new home to be inviting and quaint.  However, when we walked into the apartment, newly occupied by my soon-to-be husband, I was speechless.  In the far corner of the living-room, propped up against a beautiful brick hearth was his 10-speed bike; in the corner beside that, stood his snow skis, boots, and poles; and hanging from a swag hook overhead hung his bike tire pump (probably so it wouldn’t get lost in the midst of everything else).  I’m trying to remember what I actually said in this tender, sweet moment, but for the life of me, I don’t recall.  I’m guessing I may have disrupted our “emotional connection” a little bit, probably by saying something like “WHAT IS THIS??” 

Fishing in Alaska

This week I read Fishing in Alaska by Martha Arnell. It brought back to me the memory I shared above, and made me grimace a little at my inability to be more like Martha.  She shares, “One important aspect of a marriage is to show interest in your spouse’s interests. Through the years I’ve tried to be a cheerleader when my husband brought home game after hunting, fishing etc. My father wasn’t a hunter or fisherman, so this was a change for me. We have a set of mounted deer and moose antlers on our wall in our family room. Also, since my husband has been into running and especially marathon running, I’ve tried to be his greatest supporter and cheerleader. We now have 19 marathon medals hanging on the deer antlers in our family room.”  Maybe we all need to be a little more like Martha.  “How?” is the question.

As husband and wife, how do we go about letting our spouse know that we value them, that we love and care for them?  Gottman states in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that real-life romance “is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.  In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.  Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.  The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” 

Turning Toward or Turning Away

Martha is definitely an example of turning toward.  I believe she decided what was most important in her life, and that seems to be her relationship with her spouse.  Moment by moment we have the ability to choose to turn toward or turn away from those we love.  If you have ever felt the loneliness that comes when a loved one turns away from you, you can begin to see and feel what happens in the mind and heart of another when we do the same thing to them.  Gottman stated “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish.  It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another.  “Turning toward” operates under a law of positive feedback—like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results.  In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit.  Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.”

The Proof is in the Pudding 

The only way to know if this principle works for the good is by putting it to the test.  Thank goodness we have the ability to repent and improve each day, and the responsibility to allow the same for our partner.  Goddard stated in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage “When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.  The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress.” 

One “bid” at a time; one turn toward at a time; one minute and hour at a time, and we will improve together.  I know; I’ve put it to the test.   

Ready for another Love Map Game?

Love Maps

I have often heard it said that we should lose ourselves in service to others.  I believe this means in marriage as well.  However, I do not believe this means that we actually lose ourselves within the marital relationship.  In fact, a very important aspect of the marital relationship in keeping our “Love Map” alive and well so we don’t get lost in it; this being the only way to truly know and love our spouse.  John M. Gottman, PH.D., stated in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that “emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.”  “Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse.  And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?”

Gottman suggests that it is essential that couples enhance their love maps by working at it.  I believe that just like any other part of our body that needs exercise, our love map needs to be exercised as well.  Before marriage, our relationships do not just happen; we have to work at them.  We have to learn to communicate on several levels: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I remember hours spent just talking with my best friend, now my husband, with no physical contact to get in the way while we were building a strong relationship. We were building our love maps to get us through whatever life might bring.  For a successful marriage, every couple will need to work on and build this foundation.  

Once we marry, we learn to communicate on a much deeper level. However, these lines of communication can weaken over time if we are not paying attention to their status.  We begin to find fault in little things our spouse says or does.  We forget to be kind.  We easily get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily responsibilities and fail to nurture and replenish our marital relationships.  We lose our way back to that place where our hearts once melted when we touched. 

How to strengthen our Love Maps

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, stated in Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner’s grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly.  It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk.  It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes.”  Exercising our love maps will help us realize and understand the most important things in our relationship with our spouse, and build on those strengths we each have, instead of finding faults and weaknesses to criticize and tear down.  Goddard suggests, “Rather than looking at marriage as a skill issue, let’s consider it as a heart matter.  Most adults communicate quite well with other adults when their hearts are soft and they respect one another.”   What a wonderful marriage we would have if we could remember to keep our hearts soft and respect one another in all we do.

With Fondness and Admiration

Gottman suggests that we must keep our marriage romance alive through nurturing our fondness and admiration for each other.  This will not only keep our hearts soft, but fondness and admiration are also antidotes for contempt, which tears at our relationships, our hearts, and our love maps.  Imagine where your love map journey will take you and the joys you may experience along the way.  Be prepared for a rewarding and fulfilling adventure. 

Seriously?  Am I one of the ones who actually believed this when I was young and naïve?  Life is full of ups and downs, and in marriage it can feel like a roller-coaster ride with no safety bar.  Is there really a way to live happily ever after?  I believe that all depends.

Depends on what?

Personally, I married my best friend.  This factor alone has saved our marriage relationship over the years, and has brought me back to remembering why I fell in love with him, and why I wanted to share my life with him, and grow old together. 

John M. Gottman, PH.D., stated in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”   Remembering back to my teen years when I had a few ‘best friends’ that I spent lots of my time with, I was usually pretty careful not to say or do anything that would make them think I was mad at them, or that I didn’t like them anymore.  I can still recall how I would feel if one of those friends said or did something to make me feel that way.  Then I think about my spouse, and how does he feel if I say or do something to make him question my feelings for him.  Are there things we can do in our marriage to keep the friendship alive and well? 

Rules of Engagement

One thing we can do is learn from the successes and failures of other marriages.  Gottman discusses attributes like attunement, trust, and commitment that must be part of a couple’s relationship to survive the trials of married life.  He also warns against speaking harshly; using negative body language towards one another; and allowing the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) to creep into our discussions.  Since all marriages have conflict at times, it is important to remember that friendship must survive these conflicts. 

One of my favorite sayings is “Anything worth doing is hard”.  Marriage is hard, but it is worth doing, and worth doing well.  Marriage requires being selfless and charitable, losing ourselves in service to another, which can bring the same acts and much more back to us.  This requires the purest kind of love: Christ-like love.  Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin stated, “The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love.  The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy.  In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life.” Would anyone really want to settle for less?  I, for one, do not!