Marriage is a matter of perspective:  is it a contract entered into by both parties, or is it a covenant between the parties? 

Growing up, I saw first hand what a contractual marriage was.  My parents were divorced when I was 9-yrs old, and my mother went through several contractual marriages after that.  There was little commitment to the spouse, and heartache was followed by more heartache for all family members.  Each day began on shaky ground, and by day’s end, I sighed a sigh of relief that our family was not torn apart again.  This type of marriage lacks strength, stability, endurance, and joy.  I decided early on that I wanted more.  But, was it really possible?  Was there more to marriage than what I saw each day?  I wanted more for the children I would have one day.  It was for them that I promised myself I would not settle for just any kind of marriage.  

Bruce C. Hafen has stated, “Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. (A) bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!”  “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?”  When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away.  They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for.  But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through.  They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.  Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”

If the marriage is a contractual one, it’s like the husband and wife are standing on an imaginary line, seeking stability by keeping the line in balance.  However, when one or the other of them gets out of balance and/or step off the line, the line between them is free to swing in any direction, making the relationship unstable.  In a covenant marriage, it’s instead, like a triangle, with the husband at one corner of the base, the wife at the other corner of the base, and God at the pinnacle.  As the husband and wife keep their focus on things of God in their relationship, they move closer to God, which will naturally bring them closer to one another.  A covenant, after all, is a two-way promise between man and God, so in a marriage it becomes a three-way promise between husband, wife, and God. 

Having a covenant marriage brings strength to the marriage relationship which will enable the couple to endure the trials of life that come their way, and they will come.  Hafen suggests that “every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of ‘wolves’.  These ‘wolves’ are: 1- natural adversity; 2- their own imperfections; and 3- excessive individualism. These wolves, alone or in a pack, can drive wedges between husband and wife and devour their marriage if they do not keep their fire of devotion burning, both for each other and for God. 

What the husband and wife do and how they handle ‘things’ in their marriage can have eternal significance for themselves, and for generations to come.  Their choices and example matter.  Children of this union are entitled to be reared by both father and mother, who love each other and keep their marriage vows.  David A. Bednar has stated, “As young women and men observe worthiness, loyalty, sacrifice, and the honoring of covenants in our marriages, then those youth will seek to emulate the same principles in their courting and marriages relationships. As young people notice that we have made the comfort and convenience of our eternal companion our highest priority, then they will become less self-centered and more able to give, to serve, and to create an equal and enduring companionship.  As young women and men perceive mutual respect, affection, trust, and love between a husband and wife, then they will strive to cultivate the same characteristics in their lives.” 

This is the way to make our marriage a covenant marriage that will withstand the challenges and ‘wolves’ of life and prepare the next generation to do the same.   

Today, my marriage is a covenant marriage, started in the right place, with promises of joy and eternal happiness for myself and my family, as we learn to focus on Christ and eternal perspectives.  Each year gets better.  As I see our children choosing the covenant path, it brings happiness to my heart. 

What Is Marriage?

When I was in my earlier years, I often dreamed about the prospects of getting married.  I would, on occasion, look through bride books at all of the beautiful wedding gowns, with their flowing layers of lace and pearls, the veils and flowers, and couldn’t wait until it was my turn to get married.  I just knew it would be a dream come true to find my prince charming, and together we would pledge our love and life to one another, and ride off happily into the new world of marriage, to live together forever in harmony and bliss.  In reality, nothing was ever anything like I imagined when it came to finding a spouse, and indeed, I really had no idea what marriage was all about.

What I did know, was that I wanted to BE married, and have a family of my own.  I wanted the security of knowing another person loved me, and was willing to join with me in creating this family, knowing I could not do this on my own.  And, no, I was not willing to settle for just any ol’ Tom, Dick, or Harry, that happened to come along, or that happened to catch my eye.  There would be no giving in to sweet talk or empty promises.  When I married I was willing to give it all I had for the sake of a good marriage and for the children yet to come, and expected to receive the same from a spouse.     

I don’t believe my story is uncommon, but in the world, it seems outdated and old-fashioned perhaps.  Today, marriage has become just one of many options for those “in love”, and certainly isn’t the first choice many young people are making today in the way of relationships. 

What is marriage really, and why is marriage important?

The institution of marriage is the oldest union known to man in every culture around the world, and has been the basis of society since the beginning of man and woman.  In fact, marriage has been, pretty much, defined as one man and one woman coming together in a union, legally united to form the foundation of a family, which becomes the foundation of the society in which they reside.  Marriage is intended to prepare the man and woman to become a father and a mother to any children that come to their union.  Both the father and the mother then provide unique aspects, that are complementary to the other, within the family unit.

Why does it matter?

Noah Webster defined marriage as “the legal union of a man and woman for life, . . . preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, . . . promoting domestic felicity, and … securing the maintenance and education of children.”  So marriage is meant to keep the man and woman focused on one another and on the rearing of their children, and providing for them.

Marriage is an important element in the bearing and raising of children in a society.  Having children within the bonds of marriage provides both a mother and a father in child-rearing, which is important for the well-being of children.  Many studies and research confirm that children are better off when they are raised by both parents, in a marriage relationship, where there is security and commitment to one another. 

In the early part of this century, there began to be more and more push to redefine marriage, from “between one man and one woman”, to any two people who desire to call themselves a married couple, especially in same-sex couples.  The Supreme Court of the United States, in 2015, majority ruled, that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry and have all the rights of a customary married couple.  This is redefining marriage.

What are the consequences of redefining marriage? 

Ryan Anderson, of the Heritage Foundation, in 2014 testified before the Indiana House Judiciary Committee on the consequences of redefining marriage.  He stated, “redefining marriage will undermine the institution.  You hear this question:  How does redefining marriage hurt you or your marriage?  . . . it fundamentally reorients the institution of marriage away from the needs and the rights of children and toward the desire of adults.  It no longer makes marriage primarily about ensuring the type of family life that is ideal for kids, it makes it more about adult romance.  If the biggest social problem right now in the United States is absentee dads, how will we insist that fathers are essential, when the law redefines marriage to make fathers optional?  Redefining marriage would make it much harder for the law to teach that those fathers are essential.”

Another consequence of redefining marriage, has to do with the procreative nature of marriage between a man and a woman.  Procreation of children is essential to the continuance of our species.  Marriage is the best place for children to be born, where they can learn how to be a family and someday form their own family and procreate as their parents did.  Without marriage between a man and a woman, who are procreating, it will not take many generations before society dwindles, and disintegrates.

How do we react to this redefining of marriage?

The latter-day Prophet, Russell M. Nelson, in a talk Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage stated, “Social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in practices contrary to God’s will regarding the eternal nature and purposes of marriage.  Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral.  Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.”

So, what do we do with this re-defining of marriage in our society?  Each of us came to this earth with agency to choose for ourselves what we will do with our time in this life.  We do not make choices for those around us.  We may not agree with choices of others, as their choices may not be in keeping with our own personal beliefs.  Our responsibility is to stand firm in what we know to be morally right and correct.  We can love others, and not necessarily like their choices or life-style.  We must love others where they are.  Only in this way can we be an influence of good in their lives.  Only in this way can we help teach our own children and families the importance of making morally right and correct choices in their lives.

I stand for the institution of marriage, and love that my husband loves me, and our family.  Together we make a great team.  Sometimes he is the strong leader, and sometimes I am the strong leader, and sometimes now, our children are the strong leaders, and are working on building their own marriages and families.  It doesn’t get any better than that!    

What’s Up with Marriage?

I am studying marriage and family as an avenue to increase my understanding on the importance of marriage, and its relationship to the success of the family structure. This blog will allow me to share some insights on marriage that can help and strengthen relationships.

Marriage is under attack in our society today, and around the world. I believe marriage is the foundation of every society and should be considered an essential part of the success of a nation. The world, however, has differing views of the institution of marriage.  More and more, marriage is becoming the exception rather than the norm as an institution for the family. 

So, what’s up with marriage? 

Why is there a seeming hesitance to “take the plunge”, or to make the commitment to marriage?  Perhaps it is the fear that a marriage may end in divorce, or that the marital relationship may go stale and the parties will choose to exit.  Many are choosing to cohabit instead, leaving a door open to leave at any point without hesitation.  What is the impact of this move from marriage?

In research conducted and reported in The State of Our Unions:  Marriage in America 2012 we learn some interesting statistics.  One of the things quite interesting to me is, “the disappearance of marriage in Middle America is tracking with the disappearance of the middle class in the same communities”.  It was found that middle class households headed by married couples, is now in the minority. 

So, what effect does this have on children?  In the same report, it states: 
“Researchers. . .are documenting that Middle America’s couples express reservations about marriage but still want, and are having, children.  Yet their children are exposed to precisely the kinds of instability—serial cohabitations and breakups—that their parents hoped to avoid by not rushing into marriage in the first place.”

And what about the children?

Is marriage an important aspect to be considered before having children? Is marriage an asset or a risk for many people? Are there aspects of a relationship to consider before a commitment to marriage should be entertained?  

Today, children are faced with varying challenges in the organization and functionality of the family unit.  Are their parents divorced, cohabiting, not even in a relationship, or just combative?  What impact does a child’s home environment have on their emotional, social, and cognitive well-being?  Research on this impact on children, entitled The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-being of the Next Generation, prepared by Paul R. Amoto, reveals that overall, children living in a home with their married parents are more likely to have stable emotional and social well-being.  On the other hand, children with cohabiting parents, divorced parents, a step-parent, or combative parents, tend to struggle in these areas.

Personally, my parents were divorced when I was 9-yrs old.  Until that time, my life was pretty much normal, by family standards, and life was great!  My dad was my hero.  He was always there for us, and I loved him dearly.  When my mother moved us out of the house, and left Dad there, it was as if someone had pulled the rug out from under us.  Life was like a roller coaster ride after that, and I was afraid of what lay around the next corner, or at the bottom of the next plunge.  My confidence was shaken, my heart broken, and I became fearful of any and all relationships.  I saw the same things happening in my siblings as well, some faring better than others, depending on their personality and constitution.  Me and my five sisters became part of the statistics on impact of divorce on children.       

As an adult, I was determined to give my own children the benefit of married parents, striving to have a loving, peaceful home life where children could thrive and develop.  No, it wasn’t always loving and peaceful, but there was a common end goal for our family, that could stretch through coming generations.

Spencer W. Kimball stated, “… only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”  The evils of the world would tell us that families are a thing of the past, or that marriage isn’t the way to go nowadays.   I believe that the decline of marriages in our society means the deterioration of stability in the next generation, with even less in the generation after.   If we are to preserve our own family and the generations to follow, we must do as Kimball suggests, and believe deeply and actively in the family, or it may be lost forever.